of all this negative, and I do really try to search for new horizon, I try to accept that is over and try to see the good side of things, but I fail, fail over and over and i'm just drained. It seems like forever since I felt happy, real happy not just amused and laughed hard at some friend joke. Happy inside, happy you know.
I think that since I was single for so many years and then I got in a relationship for a couple of years and got so into it that now that it ended I just cant find my center, I cant find my independence. Like I feel the need to be with somebody, to talk to, to kiss to, to fuck with! you know. and i hate that cause ALL my life I never felt that missing spot. I was fine... I want to feel fine again. I dont want to feel heartbroken. I dont want to miss her! I dont. it only hurts me, nobody else and it is only My OWN doing, so that get me mad at myself too.
Everything that i touch it turns to shit.
She told me today that she didnt feel like she could lean on me when we were girlfriends so why should she now...
well, I was under the impression that she could when we were together.... I asked her if what we had was real, she said yes, but I asked because it seems like we have two different versions of our time together but I truly felt we were in the same page, we got angry yes, but it was clear why... like I didnt know she felt like she couldnt lean on me.
Am I the biggest idiot in the whole world? how other people call me their friend when i'm this thing... I mean who in the right mind can fuck up the best relationship they ever had in their life, who would fuck with their soulmate. why did I do that, according to her I did it.
I dont fucking care who reads it, i know its not private or whatever and nobody probably does, who the fuck wants to hear the same whiner sing the same pathetic song.
im going to fuck up my keyboard cause my tears are falling on it.
bye
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