its done

oh my god its done, i have the FUCKING ticket, I HATE that ticket.
I hATE this feeling, I hate my heart. jesus christ the babies, jude's birthday, his cake
his laugh god
I love them so much, do parents get over their love for their children?
and I am not even their real mom or whatever but I feel so much for them that it just seems it will be impossible to get over children.
one thing is your ex and another those little people that were part of your life and thought you so much and soften your heart.
It gets me sad now everytime I see a kid, every fucking time.
i lost them. I lost her.
I dont see how am i going to get out of this one.
and she seems so fine, so ok with the breakup like it wasn't big deal.
she is happy
i am the most miserable person
my dad says the kids will be ok, and I believe they will, I wasn't in their lives long enough for them to miss me for too long plus they have both of their parents and kellye.
but i am left alone, with the memories.
memories that are in two bins and tattooed on my brain.
I have cried every night and day from a month now.
and they will be a lot more of those once I leave this town.
we won't be looking at the same sky, they will be back here everybody will be back here but me.
because i wasn't accepted
I dont regret the relationship. it was the most fantastic feeling I have ever felt for somebody and for her children and family.
I learned so much
and now I am paying with tears of blood

I guess everything has its price

horse

i have enough pills in my room to kill a horse
my friends here call me "pony"



funny isn't

bus

So after I went to buy my tampons, I noticed that the bus stop was right outside the market, I had my backpack with my sketchbook and pencils and some pesos for the bus.
So I decided to take the bus and go to downtown and sit on the main plaza and I drew some trees. they came out great.
Also I was writing as the day went by:
this is what I got:

And here I am riding the bus to whatever destination. The bus is so jumpy I can't hardly write.
This culture, my home culture, is so strange to me.
I guess most old men here never retire, im talking about the poor ones, you always see old men doing odd jobs out here.
This bus must be in use since the 80's it looks so old.
People always stare at me. I wonder if they thing if I am a weird tourist of a mayan gone wrong.
I should have eaten something else than that banana and a cup of coffee, but oh well, its 2pm now.
Here in downtown its where working people gather, they walk passing in a hurry most of them carrying always something.
The young, and mostly the young me always look a little faggy to me haha, they do, like they try too much. too much wanna be, like the kids at american idol. hahah but really they try to keep up with fashion but they just over do it.
Women seem more neutral, like you could take them a few years back and forth and they would look ok. they look just basic. maybe because they are not supposed to get out of the box, maybe they dont want to.
Pigeons, they have shit all over the downtown plaza ground, but yet, they look beautiful when they fly around following a wind wave.
Children always chase pigeons, I guess that's what they get for polluting so much.
I should go back now.
Its 4pm and it was a little difficult but I finally manage to find my bus stop, and I guess the same driver is still on the clock, I can recognize that mullet from 30 ft.
I am starving.
For a local this was just another day, another sale to try to make, another peso to work for.
For a tourist this was just another day for a snapshot opportunity.
and for me, well I dont know i'm lost in limbo.
ok we are off and the shaking of the bus has started so good bye.



Ps. I wish my camera was fixed already

ipod

I wanted to thank my ipod since its the only source of comfort that comes these days.

I find it extremely hard to move to your homeland (with your then gf and her kids) then break up, then go thru the heartbreak and find the strenght to still face this country, to re-encounter your culture, and I think when you don't have the tools to express what you are going thru (aka my painting supplies not being here yet) it feels like your mouth is taped shut. Yes I can write about it, but im not a writer and It doesnt feel the same, it doesn't feel like i am creating. it just feels like im talking.

I have admitted that I do not belong to a small city, that a change to a bigger city is a command, might be in this same country and for the looks of my pocket it has to be. but so many things are in the way.
-finish the neverending process to get my GED diploma, its not that I need much (like maybe 1 or 2 tests to be taken) but the waiting of the process is taking months! leave it to a third world country.
-finish my fucking knee therapy and hopefully by Dec 10 the doctor give me the ok to go
-leave faith and the kids here in merida and move on. they will probably will move back to the states in sept anyway.

so yes, mexicans get used to my tattoos and yes i am a lesbian an no I don't need a man to prove that i am worth it or please, please do not feel sorry for me because i'm not married and im 32. Can you just guys understand?

Why wasn't I born in a more open minded culture, maybe it wouldnt have been as hard to get use to it. But Mexico is good, maybe I just need to change like I said to a bigger city like Mexico city and die from pollution but its ok.

agh, facing your homeland and trying to start a life when you are going to the deepest heartbreak is not easy.

just because

I dont know why i'm writing, maybe because I dont want to fall asleep yet, or maybe I don't want other words in my head but the ones i'm using right now to type this.
getting my GED has been a headache and fucking expensive and I still the paperwork its not 100% done, its close but still.
in 20 days they should tell me what subjects I should be tested and then I need to pay and register for that test and won't actually take it until A MONTH after that.... and hopefully it won't be that many fucking subjects cause not only I need to pay for every test but I need to get the books too. I only owed 1 subject in highschool but since these are two different institutions (i can't go by the one I coursed) the school plans are different, so they take different classes.
like there's this one that im sure im going to take the test called "bio-etics" like I have no idea what it is, and like "music appreciation" I dont know.. oh! and I can only take it in the state of Yucatan. SO decide finish school or move.
among all other things around it

fuck

teresita audelo

I know u are the only one who reads this
I just wanted to thank you for your friendship, I really do.
and even when we are "mean" to eachother is our way to say i love you isnt it :)
I miss you my friend.
we should schedule a phone date.

someday

fohohfjlvndfjbotuiertrfsdcx

i can't live in closed minded society, it is not helping my depression and I feel like I dont have a choice but to stay because all the things that are forcing me to stay here (knee, school) But today for example I couldnt get out of bed until now, and now its 7pm. I dont know if its worth the school for me to stay here, the knee therapy will be over by december and then I have to do some Xrays hopefully the doctor will say "well, just take care of yourself and go kid" as it is, its hard to imagine that I will be stuck here another month. and when if im available to leave how much money im going to have, maybe I"ll be stuck here. Nobody has offered me a job, and believe me I have tried.
I was thinking today that I would totally spend the last money that I have for a ticket to tj, have you guys come to tj and hold me and talk for hours, it would be worth the money.
I feel like i'm in jail, I bearly ever see other human being. Faith wont seat down and talk to me, i dont know why, and that makes me sad. she comes here when she needs to use the internet or when she lets me hang out with the kids but I really wish I had her as a friend to talk to, I know that I still love her but really i just need somebody to listen. but she won't even explain why she won't do it.
My family is not the best support when it comes to your emotions, they prefer if you could keep it to your self. specially if it comes to my issues.
I feel like this is breaking me down so hard and I Dont know if im going to be able to go back up. suicide is an option that I cant even think of right now, im not there yet. i dont want to be there either. but God help me i'm so fucking alone.

last minute post

i know I JUST posted but I wanted to add (read the post below first)
that with all the cons and pros.
not seeing the children is going to break the last piece of my heart.

pros and cons

ok so there's a big possibility that I might move to mexico city in january as you all know. BUT there's a lot of things to take in consideration and I hate them because they are important things that I maybe shouldnt overlook or not, so I decided to make a list.

Pros to move to Mexico city
-i Will be working with my cousin's gf who according to them works in a company owned by women and I think they do like commercials and stuff, i'll be the assistant in the art dept. they only work a few times a month but when they do its like 12 to 24 shifts but my cousin said that the rest of the time i can dedicate to paint. so the Pro is working in the art community

- This will hurt more than I can imagine, but leaving faith and the kids I think will be the only way for me to find closure being a couple of blocks away fails and I always look for them.

-living in a more diverse population has always been a plus

-mexico city (hate their pollution problem) but its one important city and will add to my resume.

so cons
- I just started therapy with this psychologist guy, its free thru my insurance and I dont know maybe I should stick longer with it, i have many issues.
-my knee,I found out today, needs more physical therapy, which wont take more than a month but still its going to take 9 months to completly heal so if I leave I wont see my doctor but my dad says from here its up to me how well I heal and I dont necessary need a doctor, but then again my dad is Mr no-worries.
-I need to get my GED, I only needed to pass ONE subject to graduate from highschool but then I decided to go to California and never took care of it, im trying to do it now but the process its going to take at least 2 mother fucking months.
-I already feel alone but I have two good friends from highschool that we kept in touch thru email these last 13 years, its not the same connection as my friends back in CA cause, well they havent been with me all these years. so IF i leave to mexico city I will be left with no-one but ofcourse one can always make friends, its just that i need to pass this co-dependency stage of needing somebody there.
-I havent seen my cousin in 13 years, I heard that he was all into drugs for many years but according to my sister he is now clean and he is making a living as a painter (fine arts) and Dj. I just hope I dont get there and its a dungeon.


ok so therapy, I can always get it in mexico too, but it will be almost impossible since I dont know that city and what hospital my insurance covers. BUT maybe its a good therapy to move.... I'll ask my psychologist on wednesday.
the knee- the fucking knee better heal up fast, I dont have time for her whining.
higschool. fucking highschool. i can also do it in mexico city but like I said, that city is insane and I think it will be a mess to find a follow the protocol there.

i dont have a job here, I cant wait forever to decide to move, money is leaving my pocket and I need to act. i tried to find a job here but so far nothing. Yucatecans are very traditional and im not. at least people who are over 50 who happen most of the time to be the owners of almost everything.

mm so lets think.
next move will be Canada, I wish I could move to Europe but we are broke here in the americans and since I cant enter legally US again (for now) maybe canada will provide the dollars to move to europe. I just need a contact and save more, maybe in a year. who the fuck knows.

message

this was one message that i just wrote one of my good friends, I know that the theme is redundant but when there's nothing else in your head what can u do? i'm using the email just because im too lazy to re-type
hello


how are u morgan? i miss you both, friends like you guys are very hard to find did you know that. I dont know what it is, maybe the beer heh

so, I've been thinking about that word you told me closure, and you nailed it, that's why i cry like a dog everyday and I feel life cant be possible without her.
I look at her, and she is so content with her life, I haven't have the opportunity to talk to her in a long time, everytime we see eachother the kids and a lot of things are going on around us, I have invited her to have coffee or a cocktail to talk to me, she doesnt take the invitation easy... probably because she knows that im going to cry and blablaal. and when you are over somebody you just dont want to see that, i get it.
I just want to have some kind of closure, will talking to her bring it, maybe not maybe yes. maybe I'll put a shotgun on my head and that will be it hah (bad joke)
I am left with all these emotions and I just can accept that the answer is so simple, there is no love left.

MY cousin called me today he said I could work for his gf production company as an production art assistant or something like that.. he said that they only work maybe twice a month but when they do its like 12 to24 hrs shifts.
im scared of mexico city, most of all i'm scared of being 100% alone... like not know ANYONE besides that cousin... but then we should be able to be ok alone right? i just dont see where im going to pull the streght from.
So i'll have a job in mexico city, oh! but yesterday my friends where mentioning about this little town 45 minutes from can cun. called Playa del Carmen, google it and you'll see that is like heaven. it has a huge European community living there and most of the business are managed in english, so i'll have a chance there and its only 3 hrs away from merida, and can always visit jude ;( but I dont have a contact there or nothing so its kinda impossible.
anyway, so I guess mexico city it is in january, i hope by then i'm better.
It is so bad for your selfesteem seeing your ex so happy after the breakup and you so alone and sad.
would you pick me up at the border and warp me in a blanket and sing to me beatles songs?

awwwwwwwww

B-O-R-E-D-O-M

There's no job, no family, no paint or art supplies, no books to read, no friends to hang out with.

yes, i know my family lives here, but would you like to hang out with your aunts or mom on a saturday night?
yes I know some people who were my friends in highschool but how can I relate to them if we have 13 years of life that divide us.

I think boredom is lack of creativity, it is. But when you are down you don't feel too creative I guess.

so i'm dying here and If this is co-depency fuck this shit.

makes me also think what if i move to another place like I've been thinking but the problem will be too that I will know LESS people. LESS family. God Dammit. how can you start a plan when you cant find yourself.

I hope this psychologist helps me.

im fucking BOred and that drives me call faith and push her away more because she is in her own space and wants no part of me involved (at least no more than a couple of hours)

All I can do its draw with some pencils I brought with me and be here.

i am just so tired

of all this negative, and I do really try to search for new horizon, I try to accept that is over and try to see the good side of things, but I fail, fail over and over and i'm just drained. It seems like forever since I felt happy, real happy not just amused and laughed hard at some friend joke. Happy inside, happy you know.
I think that since I was single for so many years and then I got in a relationship for a couple of years and got so into it that now that it ended I just cant find my center, I cant find my independence. Like I feel the need to be with somebody, to talk to, to kiss to, to fuck with! you know. and i hate that cause ALL my life I never felt that missing spot. I was fine... I want to feel fine again. I dont want to feel heartbroken. I dont want to miss her! I dont. it only hurts me, nobody else and it is only My OWN doing, so that get me mad at myself too.
Everything that i touch it turns to shit.
She told me today that she didnt feel like she could lean on me when we were girlfriends so why should she now...
well, I was under the impression that she could when we were together.... I asked her if what we had was real, she said yes, but I asked because it seems like we have two different versions of our time together but I truly felt we were in the same page, we got angry yes, but it was clear why... like I didnt know she felt like she couldnt lean on me.
Am I the biggest idiot in the whole world? how other people call me their friend when i'm this thing... I mean who in the right mind can fuck up the best relationship they ever had in their life, who would fuck with their soulmate. why did I do that, according to her I did it.
I dont fucking care who reads it, i know its not private or whatever and nobody probably does, who the fuck wants to hear the same whiner sing the same pathetic song.
im going to fuck up my keyboard cause my tears are falling on it.

bye

title

If you dont know me, in real life, I bet you think i'm a sad serious person, in reality I laugh a lot, my ex told me when we first met that people who laugh a lot are angry, well I have to admit my ex is a very wise woman.
I'm usually very optimistic though, even if i'm angry.
but these times are fucking testing me
lets review the bad parts of the last 3 months, shall we. just for kicks.

*left my dearest friends, the town i knew and loved by heart, left my last 13 years behind.
*My little sister never let us feel at home when part of that house IS my home and one day she went psycho and lost all my respect.
*got surgery on my knee, I ended up paying more than I thought I was going to pay.
*spent one whole month in my little sisters bedroom (because of my knee) while my girlfriend started to question our relationship and started to feel insane in that house.
*girlfriend broke up with me leaving me empty and clueless of what should I do next
*applied for jobs and no one has called back
*took english test to teach english and the idiot on the phone told me that I fucking failed! (??!!)
*getting my GED degree has more steps than the fucking pyramids of chichen Itza (they are very fucking high)
*My middle sister took me to see her dentist and he told me that I have 11 cavities, 11!!!! and they are going have to wait cause i cant afford to fix them.
*i'm getting more poor by the hour.
*I still dont have my painting supplies, and THAT could bring me some money if I sell some little paintings.


ok lets see the bright side of things.

* it was nice to see the good side of my family
*nice to eat grandma's cooking
*Dad traded my pc laptop for his brand new mac (but we are missing the administrator password, I dont question where he got this laptop from)
*MAssiel feeds me well, always have food at home and doesn't charge me for any bill or groceries.
*mmmm I Dont know what else right now.

that's it
lets weight them! :)

my heart is an idiot

cute

its 3:35am

I should go to bed.
damn alcohol beverages.
made me numbed and then made me more aware.
good night
wish me a happy hang over tomorrow


bye