a little bit.
the previous for "17 again" still are my number 1 though
Wednesday 29 October 2008
today
today is not a good day. i cant stop crying.
I feel like for a few these I held it in and now it came back.
What am i going to do of my life? everything sounds so impossible, everything has crashed down. I just didnt expect this... fuck man, this sucks.. it huuuuurts, it is killing me.
the love of my life god dammit.
these past few days I felt so strong about going to mexico city, now I just can imagine how it would feel not be a walking distance of them.
I know, it will probably will get tolerable as time passes by... but meanwhile?
I went to the job fair, i gave my resume to all the hotels I could.. most only offered maybe the position of Receptionist. since I dont have any higher education. ... and wait until they see my tattoos. so see, like it will be incredible difficult to stay here and find a job, at least a job that I semi-like.. and what if i go mexico and there's nothing there either? or if there is then I'll be far away from the kids and faith.
whatever.......... this blog is useless, its the same crap just different day, its been a week today since we moved out.
oh fuck man i dont know how im going to make it.
I feel like for a few these I held it in and now it came back.
What am i going to do of my life? everything sounds so impossible, everything has crashed down. I just didnt expect this... fuck man, this sucks.. it huuuuurts, it is killing me.
the love of my life god dammit.
these past few days I felt so strong about going to mexico city, now I just can imagine how it would feel not be a walking distance of them.
I know, it will probably will get tolerable as time passes by... but meanwhile?
I went to the job fair, i gave my resume to all the hotels I could.. most only offered maybe the position of Receptionist. since I dont have any higher education. ... and wait until they see my tattoos. so see, like it will be incredible difficult to stay here and find a job, at least a job that I semi-like.. and what if i go mexico and there's nothing there either? or if there is then I'll be far away from the kids and faith.
whatever.......... this blog is useless, its the same crap just different day, its been a week today since we moved out.
oh fuck man i dont know how im going to make it.
Tuesday 28 October 2008
ahem
I should ALWAYS check the date before I go to an event.
I woke up got ready to go, waited for an HOUR for my sister to pick me up to go to the job fair (she is ALWAYS late) and we got there and it was empty!; I checked the date on my phone and I was a day EARLY!!! motha fukkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I'm actually going to blame it on my sister cause when I showed her the ad yesterday she told me it was tomorrow (today) ugh
so I'll do everything over tomorrow, get up go,smile kiss ass and good bye
I woke up got ready to go, waited for an HOUR for my sister to pick me up to go to the job fair (she is ALWAYS late) and we got there and it was empty!; I checked the date on my phone and I was a day EARLY!!! motha fukkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I'm actually going to blame it on my sister cause when I showed her the ad yesterday she told me it was tomorrow (today) ugh
so I'll do everything over tomorrow, get up go,smile kiss ass and good bye
Monday 27 October 2008
Job freaking fair
I should go to sleep soon cause tomorrow I have a "big day" im going to a job fair where 99% of the jobs offered are administrative as always blhaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
whatever, i need to make money but i really really dont want to get into an office plus i dont want to hide my fucking tattoos. they should just get over it. fuck! they are beautiful. they are!
ugh.
job jo b o oo oo o o
why cant anybody say to me here vanessa, take all this art supplies and have fun, that's your job. I dont even need to get paid as long as they give me a roof and food im good... maybe a bottle of wine from time to time would help too.
oh! somebody left a comment on my blog from yesterday, that took me by surprise I didnt know somebody reads this thing. haha well, thank you to that girl who posted the comment (i cant rememer your name) thanks for listening. ha
anyway yeah i should go to sleep and go to corporation fucking hell tomorrow.
whatever, i need to make money but i really really dont want to get into an office plus i dont want to hide my fucking tattoos. they should just get over it. fuck! they are beautiful. they are!
ugh.
job jo b o oo oo o o
why cant anybody say to me here vanessa, take all this art supplies and have fun, that's your job. I dont even need to get paid as long as they give me a roof and food im good... maybe a bottle of wine from time to time would help too.
oh! somebody left a comment on my blog from yesterday, that took me by surprise I didnt know somebody reads this thing. haha well, thank you to that girl who posted the comment (i cant rememer your name) thanks for listening. ha
anyway yeah i should go to sleep and go to corporation fucking hell tomorrow.
intervention
I dont know why sometimes (every few months) i get into watch endless episodes on youtube of the A&E program "intervention". its a show about addicts and how are they fucking up their lifes and then comes the intervention and off they go for a couple of months to a facility. Some make it some dont.
I think i become addicted to this show When i watch it. if im not watching it, and like 99% of the time I dont think about it, im fine.
But like right now, after watching I think 4 episodes I feel like them. like all sad and beat up, and I was already sad to start with so that wasnt a good idea.
Well I had a good day today actually, I was in a good mood. I just have to get back to that mood and think about it and forget about that show. Its like when you see a weird movie and that weird feeling stays in you.
I dont know why I want to know about the lives of addicts, maybe because of my ex BJ, maybe because I have always been curious. I dont know. its terrifying. its like a bad accident that you cant stop looking at.
now its 1.18am and im going to wake up late because of that and waste the morning...not that I have much to do but at least i would be doing something.
Sometimes I forget that im in merida in my sisters house and no longer with faith... then I remember and I get sad again.
sometimes I think of the possibilities of where i can take my life and there are so many choices but I dont know if all those choices are real or Im just being a dreamer.
There's a mosquito who I cant kill and has been poking my arm all night. I have like 5 bumps in my arm.
ok time to sleep. I hope I dont think about those stupid episodes.
I think i become addicted to this show When i watch it. if im not watching it, and like 99% of the time I dont think about it, im fine.
But like right now, after watching I think 4 episodes I feel like them. like all sad and beat up, and I was already sad to start with so that wasnt a good idea.
Well I had a good day today actually, I was in a good mood. I just have to get back to that mood and think about it and forget about that show. Its like when you see a weird movie and that weird feeling stays in you.
I dont know why I want to know about the lives of addicts, maybe because of my ex BJ, maybe because I have always been curious. I dont know. its terrifying. its like a bad accident that you cant stop looking at.
now its 1.18am and im going to wake up late because of that and waste the morning...not that I have much to do but at least i would be doing something.
Sometimes I forget that im in merida in my sisters house and no longer with faith... then I remember and I get sad again.
sometimes I think of the possibilities of where i can take my life and there are so many choices but I dont know if all those choices are real or Im just being a dreamer.
There's a mosquito who I cant kill and has been poking my arm all night. I have like 5 bumps in my arm.
ok time to sleep. I hope I dont think about those stupid episodes.
Saturday 25 October 2008
downtown
i went to downtown today by myself. it wasnt my original plan but after being almost kicked out of my first idea I decided just to go.
I went inside the contemporany art museum, which has lots of cubistics and abstract paintings, which i really dont like. I dont im sorry, i try and I do consider them art because i can imagine the work.... well i think its more the MEntal work than the actual manual work that needs to be put on a piece like that. paint splashes, sponge dots, etc.
I saw a couple of Rivera's paintings which it was cool and also some siqueros. I didnt complete my tour because i started to feel that itching sensasion of going to the central park across the street and sketch away... which I did until it started raining a little bit.
I think local people see me as a tourist, i dont know. maybe because I do feel like and look like one.
i dont know where i belong, maybe in a castle like a king. heh
anyway, the day still gray but I tried to distract the feeling.
failed.
I went inside the contemporany art museum, which has lots of cubistics and abstract paintings, which i really dont like. I dont im sorry, i try and I do consider them art because i can imagine the work.... well i think its more the MEntal work than the actual manual work that needs to be put on a piece like that. paint splashes, sponge dots, etc.
I saw a couple of Rivera's paintings which it was cool and also some siqueros. I didnt complete my tour because i started to feel that itching sensasion of going to the central park across the street and sketch away... which I did until it started raining a little bit.
I think local people see me as a tourist, i dont know. maybe because I do feel like and look like one.
i dont know where i belong, maybe in a castle like a king. heh
anyway, the day still gray but I tried to distract the feeling.
failed.
Friday 24 October 2008
17 again
you know that movie coming up with Zack Efron, I'm dying to see it!!! but shhhh nobody knows it.
it would ruin my career
hahaha
it looks so funny. he is cute too
it would ruin my career
hahaha
it looks so funny. he is cute too
Wednesday 22 October 2008
internet
do you know why i love you more than even right now.
cause the time I spent browsing thru you its the only time that im not crying.
so thank you.
cause the time I spent browsing thru you its the only time that im not crying.
so thank you.
Sunday 12 October 2008
canada-mexico city-merida
we talked today, my sister massiel, my dad and I. Marisol decided to "chat" with him a little bit earlier that we had agreed and got there with her boyfrieend. they left before massiel got there.
we aer going to sell the house. but who know when that would happen. at least it will happen... my dad is going to see the bill that marisol and daniel owe plus lend us money so we can fix the house around. like the plumery, the paint, doors etc. i think the process to get the house ready to start selling it will be a couple of months at least... and from there whatever takes to sell it.
I guess i wont see the money anytime soon... but I talked to my cousin mario and he invited me to go to mexico city and stay with him at no charge while i look for a job and things like that. it sounds appetizing in some ways and not in others. in not in other because i will be leaving faith and the kids here (eventhough faith is breaking up iwth me) i will like to see the kids from time to time...daily if i can.
anway its an opcion and I know artistically speaking going to mexico city it will be a better opportunity to me to learn and show more about art.
another thing that its making me stay here... well not making me but I should stay here for a little longer is my highschool I should get my diploma and the go whatever I want to.
I was thinking (before talking to mario) going to canada, but now that i know that i wont have the money soon that wont happen. maybe if i decide to leave faith I will go there After mexico city, or if i get the money sooner I'll just go there, it seems that working there it wont be as much problem as going to europe... ofcourse i want to go to europe but maybe I should be more realistic and think of europe as a tourist destination and not a residency.
i decided to make this blog private, since I dont really talk to anybody at least I will putting some words here.
i cant wait for my painting supplies get here.
family is where the happiness is not where the blood is
we aer going to sell the house. but who know when that would happen. at least it will happen... my dad is going to see the bill that marisol and daniel owe plus lend us money so we can fix the house around. like the plumery, the paint, doors etc. i think the process to get the house ready to start selling it will be a couple of months at least... and from there whatever takes to sell it.
I guess i wont see the money anytime soon... but I talked to my cousin mario and he invited me to go to mexico city and stay with him at no charge while i look for a job and things like that. it sounds appetizing in some ways and not in others. in not in other because i will be leaving faith and the kids here (eventhough faith is breaking up iwth me) i will like to see the kids from time to time...daily if i can.
anway its an opcion and I know artistically speaking going to mexico city it will be a better opportunity to me to learn and show more about art.
another thing that its making me stay here... well not making me but I should stay here for a little longer is my highschool I should get my diploma and the go whatever I want to.
I was thinking (before talking to mario) going to canada, but now that i know that i wont have the money soon that wont happen. maybe if i decide to leave faith I will go there After mexico city, or if i get the money sooner I'll just go there, it seems that working there it wont be as much problem as going to europe... ofcourse i want to go to europe but maybe I should be more realistic and think of europe as a tourist destination and not a residency.
i decided to make this blog private, since I dont really talk to anybody at least I will putting some words here.
i cant wait for my painting supplies get here.
family is where the happiness is not where the blood is
alone in this land of the forgotten
my mother is crazy. she is bipolar and a has spent almost 20000 pesos in credit cards and now the banks want their monye back and ofcourse she cant pay back and who knows how she spent the money. she wont say or admit the truth. she cries when is cornered or when she remembers sad things, keeps talking bad of my grandma and her sister her eyes even praises the memory of my grandfather who i think was the root of all that family mental health.
my father likes to think that his family consist of his son, his wife and his stepdaugher. my sisters and I aer a painful and shameful reminder of a mistake.
my little sister is so traumatized that spits hate everytime you talk to her. this has been the most devastavating realization. she is so sick, so full of issues so angry and the worst thing is that she think she is using religion to get better. so in the name of jesus she thinks she is doing better, which is obvious she is not. I cant continue living here in my own home with her and her abusive husband.
faith and the kids are living soon to their new happy home, i will move to massiel's house and hopefully she will be a better person to live with for a while... for a while cause i'm not going to last in this city. with this family with this sadness surronding me.
I'm starting to get in my head that I wont be part of the kids future and that's fucking hard. but how can I? Im in love with faith and pretend to be her friend will be the heaviest rock to sink me into depression.
yes I will be rather be in long beach right now with my friends, with the people who loved be because of who i am. but I understand I had to come here to start living my adulthood life...i dont even know if that's grammatically correct. who the fucks cares.
anway, i came to claim my own name.
right now, i have no friends that i could talk to and cry to.
my family is a mess
faith wishes i didnt exist.
depression is destroying me and i only have 200 dollars in my wallet
what the future will hold? who knows.
i hope another country
my father likes to think that his family consist of his son, his wife and his stepdaugher. my sisters and I aer a painful and shameful reminder of a mistake.
my little sister is so traumatized that spits hate everytime you talk to her. this has been the most devastavating realization. she is so sick, so full of issues so angry and the worst thing is that she think she is using religion to get better. so in the name of jesus she thinks she is doing better, which is obvious she is not. I cant continue living here in my own home with her and her abusive husband.
faith and the kids are living soon to their new happy home, i will move to massiel's house and hopefully she will be a better person to live with for a while... for a while cause i'm not going to last in this city. with this family with this sadness surronding me.
I'm starting to get in my head that I wont be part of the kids future and that's fucking hard. but how can I? Im in love with faith and pretend to be her friend will be the heaviest rock to sink me into depression.
yes I will be rather be in long beach right now with my friends, with the people who loved be because of who i am. but I understand I had to come here to start living my adulthood life...i dont even know if that's grammatically correct. who the fucks cares.
anway, i came to claim my own name.
right now, i have no friends that i could talk to and cry to.
my family is a mess
faith wishes i didnt exist.
depression is destroying me and i only have 200 dollars in my wallet
what the future will hold? who knows.
i hope another country
Friday 10 October 2008
i dont know
WHY AM i writting on this thing. I dont even write much on myspace nad its not like anybody checks this stupid blog... maybe that;s why im posting here.
i feel alone. i feel once faith and the kids and everybody moves I will left out with this horrible family of mine, this blood family that I wish I was far away from.
its not unjustified disgust, but now that i came back and I see things with different eyes I can see how fucked up they are. the house were im living in breaths hate and grudge. its full of bad memories, betrayals, tears, screams, violence and abandment.
Faith and everybody says that im strong and that that I figure out but i dont think i can, for some reason I left this place and im scared of my very fragil mental stability.
for the love of the kids I will stay as long as I can, I hope i dont loose myself in the process.
i feel alone. i feel once faith and the kids and everybody moves I will left out with this horrible family of mine, this blood family that I wish I was far away from.
its not unjustified disgust, but now that i came back and I see things with different eyes I can see how fucked up they are. the house were im living in breaths hate and grudge. its full of bad memories, betrayals, tears, screams, violence and abandment.
Faith and everybody says that im strong and that that I figure out but i dont think i can, for some reason I left this place and im scared of my very fragil mental stability.
for the love of the kids I will stay as long as I can, I hope i dont loose myself in the process.
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