I wanted to thank my ipod since its the only source of comfort that comes these days.
I find it extremely hard to move to your homeland (with your then gf and her kids) then break up, then go thru the heartbreak and find the strenght to still face this country, to re-encounter your culture, and I think when you don't have the tools to express what you are going thru (aka my painting supplies not being here yet) it feels like your mouth is taped shut. Yes I can write about it, but im not a writer and It doesnt feel the same, it doesn't feel like i am creating. it just feels like im talking.
I have admitted that I do not belong to a small city, that a change to a bigger city is a command, might be in this same country and for the looks of my pocket it has to be. but so many things are in the way.
-finish the neverending process to get my GED diploma, its not that I need much (like maybe 1 or 2 tests to be taken) but the waiting of the process is taking months! leave it to a third world country.
-finish my fucking knee therapy and hopefully by Dec 10 the doctor give me the ok to go
-leave faith and the kids here in merida and move on. they will probably will move back to the states in sept anyway.
so yes, mexicans get used to my tattoos and yes i am a lesbian an no I don't need a man to prove that i am worth it or please, please do not feel sorry for me because i'm not married and im 32. Can you just guys understand?
Why wasn't I born in a more open minded culture, maybe it wouldnt have been as hard to get use to it. But Mexico is good, maybe I just need to change like I said to a bigger city like Mexico city and die from pollution but its ok.
agh, facing your homeland and trying to start a life when you are going to the deepest heartbreak is not easy.
Friday, 21 November 2008
Saturday, 15 November 2008
just because
I dont know why i'm writing, maybe because I dont want to fall asleep yet, or maybe I don't want other words in my head but the ones i'm using right now to type this.
getting my GED has been a headache and fucking expensive and I still the paperwork its not 100% done, its close but still.
in 20 days they should tell me what subjects I should be tested and then I need to pay and register for that test and won't actually take it until A MONTH after that.... and hopefully it won't be that many fucking subjects cause not only I need to pay for every test but I need to get the books too. I only owed 1 subject in highschool but since these are two different institutions (i can't go by the one I coursed) the school plans are different, so they take different classes.
like there's this one that im sure im going to take the test called "bio-etics" like I have no idea what it is, and like "music appreciation" I dont know.. oh! and I can only take it in the state of Yucatan. SO decide finish school or move.
among all other things around it
fuck
getting my GED has been a headache and fucking expensive and I still the paperwork its not 100% done, its close but still.
in 20 days they should tell me what subjects I should be tested and then I need to pay and register for that test and won't actually take it until A MONTH after that.... and hopefully it won't be that many fucking subjects cause not only I need to pay for every test but I need to get the books too. I only owed 1 subject in highschool but since these are two different institutions (i can't go by the one I coursed) the school plans are different, so they take different classes.
like there's this one that im sure im going to take the test called "bio-etics" like I have no idea what it is, and like "music appreciation" I dont know.. oh! and I can only take it in the state of Yucatan. SO decide finish school or move.
among all other things around it
fuck
Thursday, 13 November 2008
teresita audelo
I know u are the only one who reads this
I just wanted to thank you for your friendship, I really do.
and even when we are "mean" to eachother is our way to say i love you isnt it :)
I miss you my friend.
we should schedule a phone date.
I just wanted to thank you for your friendship, I really do.
and even when we are "mean" to eachother is our way to say i love you isnt it :)
I miss you my friend.
we should schedule a phone date.
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
fohohfjlvndfjbotuiertrfsdcx
i can't live in closed minded society, it is not helping my depression and I feel like I dont have a choice but to stay because all the things that are forcing me to stay here (knee, school) But today for example I couldnt get out of bed until now, and now its 7pm. I dont know if its worth the school for me to stay here, the knee therapy will be over by december and then I have to do some Xrays hopefully the doctor will say "well, just take care of yourself and go kid" as it is, its hard to imagine that I will be stuck here another month. and when if im available to leave how much money im going to have, maybe I"ll be stuck here. Nobody has offered me a job, and believe me I have tried.
I was thinking today that I would totally spend the last money that I have for a ticket to tj, have you guys come to tj and hold me and talk for hours, it would be worth the money.
I feel like i'm in jail, I bearly ever see other human being. Faith wont seat down and talk to me, i dont know why, and that makes me sad. she comes here when she needs to use the internet or when she lets me hang out with the kids but I really wish I had her as a friend to talk to, I know that I still love her but really i just need somebody to listen. but she won't even explain why she won't do it.
My family is not the best support when it comes to your emotions, they prefer if you could keep it to your self. specially if it comes to my issues.
I feel like this is breaking me down so hard and I Dont know if im going to be able to go back up. suicide is an option that I cant even think of right now, im not there yet. i dont want to be there either. but God help me i'm so fucking alone.
I was thinking today that I would totally spend the last money that I have for a ticket to tj, have you guys come to tj and hold me and talk for hours, it would be worth the money.
I feel like i'm in jail, I bearly ever see other human being. Faith wont seat down and talk to me, i dont know why, and that makes me sad. she comes here when she needs to use the internet or when she lets me hang out with the kids but I really wish I had her as a friend to talk to, I know that I still love her but really i just need somebody to listen. but she won't even explain why she won't do it.
My family is not the best support when it comes to your emotions, they prefer if you could keep it to your self. specially if it comes to my issues.
I feel like this is breaking me down so hard and I Dont know if im going to be able to go back up. suicide is an option that I cant even think of right now, im not there yet. i dont want to be there either. but God help me i'm so fucking alone.
Monday, 10 November 2008
last minute post
i know I JUST posted but I wanted to add (read the post below first)
that with all the cons and pros.
not seeing the children is going to break the last piece of my heart.
that with all the cons and pros.
not seeing the children is going to break the last piece of my heart.
pros and cons
ok so there's a big possibility that I might move to mexico city in january as you all know. BUT there's a lot of things to take in consideration and I hate them because they are important things that I maybe shouldnt overlook or not, so I decided to make a list.
Pros to move to Mexico city
-i Will be working with my cousin's gf who according to them works in a company owned by women and I think they do like commercials and stuff, i'll be the assistant in the art dept. they only work a few times a month but when they do its like 12 to 24 shifts but my cousin said that the rest of the time i can dedicate to paint. so the Pro is working in the art community
- This will hurt more than I can imagine, but leaving faith and the kids I think will be the only way for me to find closure being a couple of blocks away fails and I always look for them.
-living in a more diverse population has always been a plus
-mexico city (hate their pollution problem) but its one important city and will add to my resume.
so cons
- I just started therapy with this psychologist guy, its free thru my insurance and I dont know maybe I should stick longer with it, i have many issues.
-my knee,I found out today, needs more physical therapy, which wont take more than a month but still its going to take 9 months to completly heal so if I leave I wont see my doctor but my dad says from here its up to me how well I heal and I dont necessary need a doctor, but then again my dad is Mr no-worries.
-I need to get my GED, I only needed to pass ONE subject to graduate from highschool but then I decided to go to California and never took care of it, im trying to do it now but the process its going to take at least 2 mother fucking months.
-I already feel alone but I have two good friends from highschool that we kept in touch thru email these last 13 years, its not the same connection as my friends back in CA cause, well they havent been with me all these years. so IF i leave to mexico city I will be left with no-one but ofcourse one can always make friends, its just that i need to pass this co-dependency stage of needing somebody there.
-I havent seen my cousin in 13 years, I heard that he was all into drugs for many years but according to my sister he is now clean and he is making a living as a painter (fine arts) and Dj. I just hope I dont get there and its a dungeon.
ok so therapy, I can always get it in mexico too, but it will be almost impossible since I dont know that city and what hospital my insurance covers. BUT maybe its a good therapy to move.... I'll ask my psychologist on wednesday.
the knee- the fucking knee better heal up fast, I dont have time for her whining.
higschool. fucking highschool. i can also do it in mexico city but like I said, that city is insane and I think it will be a mess to find a follow the protocol there.
i dont have a job here, I cant wait forever to decide to move, money is leaving my pocket and I need to act. i tried to find a job here but so far nothing. Yucatecans are very traditional and im not. at least people who are over 50 who happen most of the time to be the owners of almost everything.
mm so lets think.
next move will be Canada, I wish I could move to Europe but we are broke here in the americans and since I cant enter legally US again (for now) maybe canada will provide the dollars to move to europe. I just need a contact and save more, maybe in a year. who the fuck knows.
Pros to move to Mexico city
-i Will be working with my cousin's gf who according to them works in a company owned by women and I think they do like commercials and stuff, i'll be the assistant in the art dept. they only work a few times a month but when they do its like 12 to 24 shifts but my cousin said that the rest of the time i can dedicate to paint. so the Pro is working in the art community
- This will hurt more than I can imagine, but leaving faith and the kids I think will be the only way for me to find closure being a couple of blocks away fails and I always look for them.
-living in a more diverse population has always been a plus
-mexico city (hate their pollution problem) but its one important city and will add to my resume.
so cons
- I just started therapy with this psychologist guy, its free thru my insurance and I dont know maybe I should stick longer with it, i have many issues.
-my knee,I found out today, needs more physical therapy, which wont take more than a month but still its going to take 9 months to completly heal so if I leave I wont see my doctor but my dad says from here its up to me how well I heal and I dont necessary need a doctor, but then again my dad is Mr no-worries.
-I need to get my GED, I only needed to pass ONE subject to graduate from highschool but then I decided to go to California and never took care of it, im trying to do it now but the process its going to take at least 2 mother fucking months.
-I already feel alone but I have two good friends from highschool that we kept in touch thru email these last 13 years, its not the same connection as my friends back in CA cause, well they havent been with me all these years. so IF i leave to mexico city I will be left with no-one but ofcourse one can always make friends, its just that i need to pass this co-dependency stage of needing somebody there.
-I havent seen my cousin in 13 years, I heard that he was all into drugs for many years but according to my sister he is now clean and he is making a living as a painter (fine arts) and Dj. I just hope I dont get there and its a dungeon.
ok so therapy, I can always get it in mexico too, but it will be almost impossible since I dont know that city and what hospital my insurance covers. BUT maybe its a good therapy to move.... I'll ask my psychologist on wednesday.
the knee- the fucking knee better heal up fast, I dont have time for her whining.
higschool. fucking highschool. i can also do it in mexico city but like I said, that city is insane and I think it will be a mess to find a follow the protocol there.
i dont have a job here, I cant wait forever to decide to move, money is leaving my pocket and I need to act. i tried to find a job here but so far nothing. Yucatecans are very traditional and im not. at least people who are over 50 who happen most of the time to be the owners of almost everything.
mm so lets think.
next move will be Canada, I wish I could move to Europe but we are broke here in the americans and since I cant enter legally US again (for now) maybe canada will provide the dollars to move to europe. I just need a contact and save more, maybe in a year. who the fuck knows.
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