and I need to write it down so I can breath better
I feel like If this pain continues for another month I am not going to make it.
I rather be dead, I do, this is too intense! I can't function, I can't do anything.
The pain rests on my chest and its choking me.
Its all I can think about as soon as I open my eyes, EVERY FUCKING DAY! EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAMN DAY.
I have always been a fighter, a survivor, but I seriously think I cant get over this one. And nobody knows really how much i'm hurting, because if they knew they wouldnt leave alone. I want it to be over. I love life but this is not life and It hasn't get any better, just worse and worse, im getting weaker and I can't fight it anymore.
I love her so much.
I miss them so much.
And she is over us, I think she got over us as soon as she finished her sentence when she broke it off.
so much for being memorable... so much for being loved.
I think of the ways I can kill myself, I wouldn't do it in the apt because its not faire for my roomates.
I dont have a gun, jumping off freeways its nasty and involves too many people. I don't want to cause more trouble.
If anybody reads this and I'm gone.
I want everybody to know that I love them, and that i'm sorry. I'm sorry for doing this to you, but please think that I will be at peace and will not be suffering anymore.
This is no life, I can't function, I cant find a job, I can't do anything without crying. I cant even sleep and it has been months like this.
I really tried my hardest to make the relationship work and I know it wasn't enough, I know i was an asshole sometimes and I couldn't stop it. I fucked up the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, ever.
I can't live with that. i just can't
I am so tired.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Friday, 12 December 2008
el desprendimiento
children are the light of our world, they are... I didnt know or realized this until I got to be part of this amazing family; I have had cats, dogs, parrots and I loved them with all my heart but nothing compares with the love of a child, nothing. And you won't believe me until you feel it. And you don't have to give birth to have that feeling and the emotions are equal of love and sadness when you say good bye to those people.
Pain will makes me stronger, I feel stronger. Its so sad that I have no option than go up, cause I've been down lately and I dont want to go there again.
Saying goodbye to the person who you thought was the love of your life is also hard, and specially if it wasn't smooth....maybe she is not the love of my life, maybe that doesn't exist, but she was the closest thing to it since I was born so.... maybe she is the preview of what is next, maybe next time.... maybe.
So this is it... its gone, wow.
it was amazing, it was so good to stay at home and eat dinner with the kids and her, share the same plate, dance in the kitchen, laugh at the kids plays, drawing on her back, holidays at her dad's will always be remembered, laying like a mexican on the back of the van too hah
I feel lucky that I got to experience that, and I think with one of the most interesting group of people.
Now im leaving my blood family and my adopted family to my friend family.
family is such a relative word.
familia.
Maybe I was meant to be alone, maybe the pain will help me become this well paid artist heh?! doubt it. but it has made me wiser.
I think once you hit your 30's you start to look back and really see things for what they were for, everything has a purpose.
I'm sorry if im not making sense or my sentences have no flow... well they never do.
I'm still in emotional shock.
we are half way there. on saturday on my grandma's birthday I will say bye to my blood family.
they are not perfect, but those I can't change and I love them, i mean in someways I'm just like them, i'm part of them we share a lot of things.
ok enough.
darling
adios
Pain will makes me stronger, I feel stronger. Its so sad that I have no option than go up, cause I've been down lately and I dont want to go there again.
Saying goodbye to the person who you thought was the love of your life is also hard, and specially if it wasn't smooth....maybe she is not the love of my life, maybe that doesn't exist, but she was the closest thing to it since I was born so.... maybe she is the preview of what is next, maybe next time.... maybe.
So this is it... its gone, wow.
it was amazing, it was so good to stay at home and eat dinner with the kids and her, share the same plate, dance in the kitchen, laugh at the kids plays, drawing on her back, holidays at her dad's will always be remembered, laying like a mexican on the back of the van too hah
I feel lucky that I got to experience that, and I think with one of the most interesting group of people.
Now im leaving my blood family and my adopted family to my friend family.
family is such a relative word.
familia.
Maybe I was meant to be alone, maybe the pain will help me become this well paid artist heh?! doubt it. but it has made me wiser.
I think once you hit your 30's you start to look back and really see things for what they were for, everything has a purpose.
I'm sorry if im not making sense or my sentences have no flow... well they never do.
I'm still in emotional shock.
we are half way there. on saturday on my grandma's birthday I will say bye to my blood family.
they are not perfect, but those I can't change and I love them, i mean in someways I'm just like them, i'm part of them we share a lot of things.
ok enough.
darling
adios
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Saturday, 29 November 2008
its done
oh my god its done, i have the FUCKING ticket, I HATE that ticket.
I hATE this feeling, I hate my heart. jesus christ the babies, jude's birthday, his cake
his laugh god
I love them so much, do parents get over their love for their children?
and I am not even their real mom or whatever but I feel so much for them that it just seems it will be impossible to get over children.
one thing is your ex and another those little people that were part of your life and thought you so much and soften your heart.
It gets me sad now everytime I see a kid, every fucking time.
i lost them. I lost her.
I dont see how am i going to get out of this one.
and she seems so fine, so ok with the breakup like it wasn't big deal.
she is happy
i am the most miserable person
my dad says the kids will be ok, and I believe they will, I wasn't in their lives long enough for them to miss me for too long plus they have both of their parents and kellye.
but i am left alone, with the memories.
memories that are in two bins and tattooed on my brain.
I have cried every night and day from a month now.
and they will be a lot more of those once I leave this town.
we won't be looking at the same sky, they will be back here everybody will be back here but me.
because i wasn't accepted
I dont regret the relationship. it was the most fantastic feeling I have ever felt for somebody and for her children and family.
I learned so much
and now I am paying with tears of blood
I guess everything has its price
I hATE this feeling, I hate my heart. jesus christ the babies, jude's birthday, his cake
his laugh god
I love them so much, do parents get over their love for their children?
and I am not even their real mom or whatever but I feel so much for them that it just seems it will be impossible to get over children.
one thing is your ex and another those little people that were part of your life and thought you so much and soften your heart.
It gets me sad now everytime I see a kid, every fucking time.
i lost them. I lost her.
I dont see how am i going to get out of this one.
and she seems so fine, so ok with the breakup like it wasn't big deal.
she is happy
i am the most miserable person
my dad says the kids will be ok, and I believe they will, I wasn't in their lives long enough for them to miss me for too long plus they have both of their parents and kellye.
but i am left alone, with the memories.
memories that are in two bins and tattooed on my brain.
I have cried every night and day from a month now.
and they will be a lot more of those once I leave this town.
we won't be looking at the same sky, they will be back here everybody will be back here but me.
because i wasn't accepted
I dont regret the relationship. it was the most fantastic feeling I have ever felt for somebody and for her children and family.
I learned so much
and now I am paying with tears of blood
I guess everything has its price
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
Saturday, 22 November 2008
bus
So after I went to buy my tampons, I noticed that the bus stop was right outside the market, I had my backpack with my sketchbook and pencils and some pesos for the bus.
So I decided to take the bus and go to downtown and sit on the main plaza and I drew some trees. they came out great.
Also I was writing as the day went by:
this is what I got:
And here I am riding the bus to whatever destination. The bus is so jumpy I can't hardly write.
This culture, my home culture, is so strange to me.
I guess most old men here never retire, im talking about the poor ones, you always see old men doing odd jobs out here.
This bus must be in use since the 80's it looks so old.
People always stare at me. I wonder if they thing if I am a weird tourist of a mayan gone wrong.
I should have eaten something else than that banana and a cup of coffee, but oh well, its 2pm now.
Here in downtown its where working people gather, they walk passing in a hurry most of them carrying always something.
The young, and mostly the young me always look a little faggy to me haha, they do, like they try too much. too much wanna be, like the kids at american idol. hahah but really they try to keep up with fashion but they just over do it.
Women seem more neutral, like you could take them a few years back and forth and they would look ok. they look just basic. maybe because they are not supposed to get out of the box, maybe they dont want to.
Pigeons, they have shit all over the downtown plaza ground, but yet, they look beautiful when they fly around following a wind wave.
Children always chase pigeons, I guess that's what they get for polluting so much.
I should go back now.
Its 4pm and it was a little difficult but I finally manage to find my bus stop, and I guess the same driver is still on the clock, I can recognize that mullet from 30 ft.
I am starving.
For a local this was just another day, another sale to try to make, another peso to work for.
For a tourist this was just another day for a snapshot opportunity.
and for me, well I dont know i'm lost in limbo.
ok we are off and the shaking of the bus has started so good bye.
Ps. I wish my camera was fixed already
So I decided to take the bus and go to downtown and sit on the main plaza and I drew some trees. they came out great.
Also I was writing as the day went by:
this is what I got:
And here I am riding the bus to whatever destination. The bus is so jumpy I can't hardly write.
This culture, my home culture, is so strange to me.
I guess most old men here never retire, im talking about the poor ones, you always see old men doing odd jobs out here.
This bus must be in use since the 80's it looks so old.
People always stare at me. I wonder if they thing if I am a weird tourist of a mayan gone wrong.
I should have eaten something else than that banana and a cup of coffee, but oh well, its 2pm now.
Here in downtown its where working people gather, they walk passing in a hurry most of them carrying always something.
The young, and mostly the young me always look a little faggy to me haha, they do, like they try too much. too much wanna be, like the kids at american idol. hahah but really they try to keep up with fashion but they just over do it.
Women seem more neutral, like you could take them a few years back and forth and they would look ok. they look just basic. maybe because they are not supposed to get out of the box, maybe they dont want to.
Pigeons, they have shit all over the downtown plaza ground, but yet, they look beautiful when they fly around following a wind wave.
Children always chase pigeons, I guess that's what they get for polluting so much.
I should go back now.
Its 4pm and it was a little difficult but I finally manage to find my bus stop, and I guess the same driver is still on the clock, I can recognize that mullet from 30 ft.
I am starving.
For a local this was just another day, another sale to try to make, another peso to work for.
For a tourist this was just another day for a snapshot opportunity.
and for me, well I dont know i'm lost in limbo.
ok we are off and the shaking of the bus has started so good bye.
Ps. I wish my camera was fixed already
Friday, 21 November 2008
ipod
I wanted to thank my ipod since its the only source of comfort that comes these days.
I find it extremely hard to move to your homeland (with your then gf and her kids) then break up, then go thru the heartbreak and find the strenght to still face this country, to re-encounter your culture, and I think when you don't have the tools to express what you are going thru (aka my painting supplies not being here yet) it feels like your mouth is taped shut. Yes I can write about it, but im not a writer and It doesnt feel the same, it doesn't feel like i am creating. it just feels like im talking.
I have admitted that I do not belong to a small city, that a change to a bigger city is a command, might be in this same country and for the looks of my pocket it has to be. but so many things are in the way.
-finish the neverending process to get my GED diploma, its not that I need much (like maybe 1 or 2 tests to be taken) but the waiting of the process is taking months! leave it to a third world country.
-finish my fucking knee therapy and hopefully by Dec 10 the doctor give me the ok to go
-leave faith and the kids here in merida and move on. they will probably will move back to the states in sept anyway.
so yes, mexicans get used to my tattoos and yes i am a lesbian an no I don't need a man to prove that i am worth it or please, please do not feel sorry for me because i'm not married and im 32. Can you just guys understand?
Why wasn't I born in a more open minded culture, maybe it wouldnt have been as hard to get use to it. But Mexico is good, maybe I just need to change like I said to a bigger city like Mexico city and die from pollution but its ok.
agh, facing your homeland and trying to start a life when you are going to the deepest heartbreak is not easy.
I find it extremely hard to move to your homeland (with your then gf and her kids) then break up, then go thru the heartbreak and find the strenght to still face this country, to re-encounter your culture, and I think when you don't have the tools to express what you are going thru (aka my painting supplies not being here yet) it feels like your mouth is taped shut. Yes I can write about it, but im not a writer and It doesnt feel the same, it doesn't feel like i am creating. it just feels like im talking.
I have admitted that I do not belong to a small city, that a change to a bigger city is a command, might be in this same country and for the looks of my pocket it has to be. but so many things are in the way.
-finish the neverending process to get my GED diploma, its not that I need much (like maybe 1 or 2 tests to be taken) but the waiting of the process is taking months! leave it to a third world country.
-finish my fucking knee therapy and hopefully by Dec 10 the doctor give me the ok to go
-leave faith and the kids here in merida and move on. they will probably will move back to the states in sept anyway.
so yes, mexicans get used to my tattoos and yes i am a lesbian an no I don't need a man to prove that i am worth it or please, please do not feel sorry for me because i'm not married and im 32. Can you just guys understand?
Why wasn't I born in a more open minded culture, maybe it wouldnt have been as hard to get use to it. But Mexico is good, maybe I just need to change like I said to a bigger city like Mexico city and die from pollution but its ok.
agh, facing your homeland and trying to start a life when you are going to the deepest heartbreak is not easy.
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